Divorced: 12 Things I’ve Learned Over the Past Year

I wrote this article in 2023 a year after my divorce, i hope it helps you!

It’s been on my heart to share my quiet journey of divorce. On December 22, 2023, my divorce was finalized after 21 years of marriage. I actually found out through email several days later—but that’s another story.

It was done. Final. Just like that. All I could do was sigh. I was flooded with emotions that could make anyone feel unmoored: sad, yet content; happy, yet devastated; relieved, yet panicked—and so much more.

It has now been 12 months, so it feels fitting to share 12 things I’ve learned along the way. I don’t know if this is for my own continued healing or if it might help someone else, but I do know it’s on my heart to share.

1. Divorce is Painful

When I married at 20, divorce was never an option, an end goal, or even a thought. I truly believed we would make it. We did date nights, went to church, attended retreats, sought counseling, read books together, and even led marriage ministry groups. Our little family seemed to be thriving in many ways.

So how did it all fall apart? Divorce changes everything. It hurts deeply and differently for everyone, and there’s no way to fully prepare for the emotional turmoil.

“How does someone you love deeply, someone you’ve sacrificed for, become a person you grow to resent?”

There’s so much loss: dreams, goals, family dynamics, friendships, status, finances, even your sense of identity. Divorce doesn’t just end a marriage—it transforms your entire world.

2. Mental Health is Real

A major factor in my marriage was unaddressed mental health issues—problems hidden and masked by alcohol for years. I saw my spouse struggling and jumped in to help. I believed I was meant to guide and support him, that I was the helpmate described in the Bible.

It took years of cheering him on and losing myself in the process to realize he had to want help for himself. He was fighting his own battles, his own demons, and it wasn’t always about me—even though it often felt that way.

I watched the man I loved isolate himself in emotional pain. He became angry, bitter, hurtful, and eventually disappeared. His struggles became a weapon against me. I became the problem, the enemy. And when someone sees you as the enemy, what do you do? You fight back. And that’s what we did—hurting each other more in the process.

3. Divorce Impacts Everyone

I stayed in my marriage longer than I probably should have, mostly for the sake of my children. I didn’t want them to grow up in a divorced home.

But as my marriage ended, so did parts of my social world. Relationships I’d nurtured over years changed. Some friends became distant. Couples’ game nights stopped, phone calls seeking relationship advice stopped, and I was no longer part of the married women’s group.

It’s the natural progression of being a divorcee. People don’t always know how to relate to someone in this stage of life. Most of my friendships had been with married women. Divorce can feel like a plague—suddenly, you’re on the outside, trying to figure things out alone.

4. Divorce Changes Dreams, Vision, and Goals

Being married so young and for so long, my goals were tied to my marriage. Many dreams involved my spouse from the very beginning. One of my ultimate dreams was having a place where our grandchildren could spend summers swimming and enjoying life together. Divorce meant that dream would never come true.

Over time, I realized some dreams could still take shape—but they would look different. Some were gone entirely, while others evolved. Life became about creating new memories in new ways.

5. Being Divorced Is Not My Identity

I loved being a wife and mother, being there for my husband and our family. I had a friend to come home to, someone to travel with, share both simple and hard moments.

But I didn’t know how to navigate life as a divorced or single person. Suddenly, the label “divorced” felt like it was stamped on my forehead. Not only that, I was a Christian marriage therapist—whose career had been dedicated to helping couples thrive. Identity crisis, anyone?

I struggled with this battle internally, alone. My spouse and I had both stayed in the marriage longer than we should have, clinging to what we once had. But eventually, I had to accept that my life was no longer aligned with his desires.

6. God Has to Be the Center

Ultimately, I learned that God must be at the center—not just of a marriage, but of each of our lives individually. For a godly marriage to thrive, both people must actively nurture their own relationship with God.

For too long, I made my spouse my God. I depended on him entirely, turning to him whenever I struggled. When he failed, refused help, or couldn’t meet my needs, I felt devastated. Eventually, I learned to seek God first, trusting that He would provide what I needed—and that my spouse would need to do the same on his own journey.

7. Marriage Is Still Beautiful

Despite the pain, I still believe marriage is one of the most beautiful unions and a reflection of God’s love. It is a relationship worth investing in, but it takes two people fully committed to make it work.

I almost lost myself fighting for a one-sided marriage. Healing and discovering my identity outside of marriage allowed me to see what a strong partnership truly requires. Whether single or remarried, I am at peace with where I am on this journey.

8. Take the Time to Heal

After my separation, I thought I was ready for a new life—but I wasn’t. Confusion, loneliness, and waves of emotion hit me unexpectedly.

I dove into dating too soon, giving too much, too quickly. Some men were kind and patient, but I wasn’t prepared to navigate the dating world. Through trial and error, I learned to set boundaries, speak up for myself, protect my time, and walk away when necessary. Healing took time, and that’s okay.

9. A New Normal

Suddenly, I had to handle things I had never managed before: finances, housing decisions, full-time work. I was labeled a single mother, a divorcee, and many people didn’t even realize I was divorced.

It was strange, sometimes isolating, but I was determined to learn more about myself. Life was different, but it was still good. I was finding my footing and discovering resilience I didn’t know I had.

10. Grace Is Needed

I often asked God why this happened, where we went wrong, and why love wasn’t enough. But I learned grace is essential.

We grew up in our marriage—and we grew apart. Values, beliefs, and priorities diverged over time. Opposites may attract, but long-term alignment, especially when raising a family, is what matters most. Grace allowed me to accept our journey without bitterness.

11. Forgiveness Is Possible

I was overwhelmed with anger, disappointment, and sadness. I blamed my spouse for broken promises, for turning away, for choosing destructive paths.

But the best choice I made was to seek God’s voice, not advice from everyone around me. Sitting in silence, listening, praying—this helped me release control and let God handle what I couldn’t. Forgiveness became possible, and with it, peace.

12. I Am Worthy

Even through the pain, I knew I was worthy of love, respect, and life itself. Identity had been tied to roles: wife, mother, professional, therapist, Christian. When those roles changed, I had to rediscover what remained.

I am worthy—worthy to God, worthy of love, worthy to live fully. I have been tested, bruised, but not broken. I move forward hopeful, strong, and excited for my new normal, open to life, love, and God’s plan for me.

In closing

Divorce changed my life in ways I never imagined. It was painful, humbling, and challenging—but it also taught me resilience, faith, and self-worth. I hope sharing these lessons encourages anyone walking a similar path: you are not alone, your pain is valid, and your life is still full of hope and possibilities.